


stars that burn the brightest fall so fast

by mysilenceknot



Series: colliding on a backdrop of blue [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Aromantic, Asexuality, Depression, Gen, Queerplatonic Relationships, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-29
Updated: 2015-01-29
Packaged: 2018-03-09 13:38:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3251783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysilenceknot/pseuds/mysilenceknot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Sometimes Steve was a bomb of pent-up emotion. Correction: Steve usually was a bomb of pent-up emotion. Most of the time he’d go work out in the Stark Tower and come back looking a little more settled, a little less like everything was going fall to pieces.</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Today he looked like he had no feelings.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	stars that burn the brightest fall so fast

**Author's Note:**

> for Erin. warnings for depression and references to suicidal thoughts. title comes from the song [Numb](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylLpplWSrNk) by Marina and the Diamonds.

When Steve walked into the house fresh from the gym blank-faced, Bucky knew it was an exceptionally bad day.

Bucky was used to having terrible days. There were stretches of time where all they had were terrible days, days where they didn’t care that they’re legally forbidden from leaving the house without supervision because they could barely make it out of their room. Within the past three months they’d begun having okay days, days where they’d go with Sam to the store or with Natasha to a park.

For Bucky today was a day that wasn’t _good_ but also wasn’t _bad_. That’s how the last couple days had been, which made them feel slightly guilty that they hadn’t fully grasped how bad things had been getting for Steve. Bucky was very aware that things weren’t great, but there was only so much they could do as Steve rarely opened up about how he was really feeling. To be fair, neither did Nat, but at least Nat didn’t walk around looking like she was going to explode from everything going on inside.

Bucky sat in the living room for a while, listening to the shower run. It ran longer than it usually did and there was a brief moment where they wondered what Steve was doing. Was he simply standing and letting the water race over him? Was he using the shower as an excuse to cry really hard without letting anyone else know? Was he thinking some of the things that Bucky thought in the shower, about wanting the water to fill his lungs and keep him from breathing ever again?

Sometimes Steve was a bomb of pent-up emotion. Correction: Steve usually was a bomb of pent-up emotion. Most of the time he’d go work out in the Stark Tower and come back looking a little more settled, a little less like everything was going fall to pieces.

Today he looked like he had no feelings. Steve seemed to hide all his emotions when they seemed most likely to overwhelm him.

After a solid twenty minutes, Bucky heard the shower turn off. For another five minutes they sat in the quiet living room, trying to read their magazine. Their eyes would catch the same paragraph on asteroids over and over again, but they couldn’t focus enough to completely understand what the article was saying. It was a lost cause at this point, so they slowly walked upstairs, making sure their footsteps were loud enough for even a person with normal hearing to recognize.

Steve was lying on Bucky’s bed in boxers and an undershirt. He was staring up at the ceiling and didn’t move when Bucky leaned in the door way. Bucky closed and leaned back against the door, watching Steve blink slowly. They loosely crossed their arms and waited.

“I should be happy,” Steve stated after a stretch of stillness. “I should be happy, but I’m not.”

There was another small period of silence in which Bucky had to resist the urge to climb into their bed and hold Steve tightly. That didn’t feel appropriate yet.

“I’m not happy and I don’t know what will make me happy because nothing’s right and it hasn’t been for a long time.” Steve’s head turned towards them. His eyes were blank and he spoke as if he was reading a page of statistics. “I shouldn’t feel lonely, but I do. I shouldn’t find everything pointless, but I do. I shouldn’t be so angry all the time but I am and I don’t know how to stop it.”

Bucky spoke. “You’ve been through a lot.”

“So have a lot of people. I’m one of the lucky ones, I’m still alive and I have all this stuff that I never thought I’d have. I shouldn’t feel like this. I should be happy.” His voice cracked. “I don’t know why I’m like this but I don’t want this anymore.”

Bucky sat on the edge of their bed, close enough to begin running their fingers through Steve’s hair. They stayed silent as Steve struggled with his words.

“This isn’t even anything _new_ , this is how I’ve felt since I woke up. But I should be doing better now. I have Sam and Nat and you, I have a body that won’t betray me, I don’t ever have to worry about going hungry again. I’m so damn _lucky_. So why do I –” Steve’s mouth snapped shut.

Bucky waited. They watched tears begin streaming down Steve’s face and listened to his breathing begin to sound wet. Considering how often Steve had reassured them when they felt their trauma was keeping them from being a real person, they knew that Steve was aware that all feelings were valid. Knowing something and believing something were very different.

After Steve stayed silent for a full minute, Bucky spoke again. “The fact that you feel like you’ve been lucky doesn’t erase the shit you’ve been dealt.”

“Why? Why can’t I just feel okay when I look at my life? It just makes me scared because if I can’t see how great things are, what does that say about me as a person? I’m so damn sad and tired all the time and I’m becoming more and more sarcastic to hide it. That’s not who I was before, that’s not who I want to be.”

“Aren’t you the one who always says that I don’t have to be someone I’m not? Who you are now isn’t bad.”

“I just…” Steve sat up. “I just don’t want to have to keep doing this. I don’t want to have to keep waking up and wondering what the point is.”  

Bucky leaned over and pulled Steve into their arms as he began to full on sob.

Everyone in the house had demons. Everyone had woken up from nightmares and had days where they declared that things were too much to deal with. And it hurt, it always hurt, to see how deep the wounds of life and war lay in the bodies of the ones they loved.

Depression sucked. It fucking sucked.

They wished they could take all of Steve’s sadness away. They wished they could give Steve some heart felt platitudes about how things were going to get better, about how he would soon wake up and things would stop hurting. But they both knew better.

Bucky held Steve tightly, running his right arm up and down Steve’s back. “You’re not wrong for the things you’re feeling. Being sad all the time doesn’t make you a bad person, it just means you’re having bad brain days. We all have them and it’s no one’s fault.”

“What happened to you and Nat and Sam is so much worse than what’s happened to me. And I feel like I don’t have the right to complain because it’s not that bad. It’s not, I’m just selfish, and I’ve never wanted to be. I just feel so goddamn guilty and I know I shouldn’t but I don’t know how to make it stop.” His hands gripped Bucky’s shirt tightly as he took huge shuddering breaths. “I can’t stop feeling terrible. It won’t stop.”

“Steve. Your life has been torn apart multiple times. That’s a perfectly good reason to be sad. And I don’t know if it’ll stop or not, but nothing you’re saying makes you sound selfish or bad. You don’t need to punish yourself for having feelings.”

Steve was silent.

“I think of dying every single day,” Bucky stated. “There’s so much darkness inside of me and it’s never all gonna go away and sometimes I’m okay with it and other times I’m not. But when I’m with you, you make me feel like there’s something worth saving inside me. And I’m not ever gonna ask you to keep fighting for me, that wouldn’t be fair. But I think we have to keep fighting because there are people in our lives who wouldn’t want us to go.”

They think they had loved Steve romantically once. They’re not sure if it was brief due to fear of discovery or brief due to the natural course of crushes, but it had happened.

This feels so much different. But it’s still love.

“You said you loved me for who I am, not for who I used to be. And I love you with and without your sadness, okay? Nat and Sam and I love you. You’re good and important whether you’re being Captain America or yourself. And I’m sorry, I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling like this for so long. But we’re here.”

They continued rubbing Steve’s back as his tears died away. They listened to his breath go back to normal, paid attention to how his grip on their shirt loosened. It wasn’t long before Steve pulled away from the embrace and gave Bucky a small smile.

“Sorry.”

“You’ve got nothing to apologize for,” Bucky promised.

“It’s just a lot today,” Steve said as he wiped his face. “It’s been building for the past couple days but everything keeps feeling off today.”

They hummed in understanding. “I’ll call Sam and have him bring us food so you don’t have to cook and so I can just stay here with you.”

“What if I’d rather eat something you made?”

“Nope.” Bucky leaned back on the bed and pulled their cell phone out of their pocket. “No cooking, just cuddles. I’m lazy.”

“I’m glad you can own up to it,” Steve said. He lied back on Bucky’s bed so they were facing each other, scooting so their bodies were pressed together. Steve’s head rested between flesh and metal. “Thank you. I love you.”

“You’re welcome. I love you too.”


End file.
